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It's been a long time since I posted up here. Wow things have changed a lot. All of my best friends have died, and I have recently been dumped ^^ but I'm begining ti think it is a good thing. I now have the time to focus on finding my own identity.

So much has happened and so much has changed. Over the past year and a bit I really have grown up and matured. Thrust into a world that I found so hard to navigate, I think I finally know my way around. I am begining to know me and to create my identity away from those who previously moulded me and it's good. I'm good =) I didn't think that I would be ok, but resiliance won out.


I will miss those who have departed and I will always carry them in my heart, but it is time I followed Pete's advice and made my self happy.  To long have ~I tried to be what everyone else wants me to be. Well no longer. I will have the courage and the fortitude to stand up and be myself.
I will have the strenght to find courage.

I will be happy :)
Ja Ne

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
Current Music: None

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Well It has been a little over a week since my best friend, and the love of my life, had her life support switched off.
If someone erads this and say how can someone so young think they've found love. let me tell you I don't think I found it. I know I found it.
     She was breathtaking. beautiful can't describe her, words cannot do justice to the Goddess that was my Katie. I can't help but think of her in her last moments, unknowing what was going on around her. Peacful. I didn't try as hard as I could to see her before she died. I regret that with my heart and soul. I was a coward. I wanted to remember her as she was; My beautiful, strong, proud, funny, kind, passionate, loyal Katie.
    Out of my four best friends in the planet, the four people I know i share a soul with, 3 of them are dead and one is terminally ill. It's on days like today that I miss them the most. Days when I know I would normally get a phonecall or a text from them wishing me luck or telling me I'll do fine. It's on days like today I can't help but cry. I don't want to. I don't like to.  I guess I miss them. I'll always miss them. It's almost two years since Peter died and I'm waiting for the pain to diminish. I'm still waiting for the dull ache in my heart to fade to oblivion. It's been almost two months since Layala died and that wound is still raw, still fresh and bleeding, pulsing with an unmistakable agony. It has not yet been two weeks since Katie died and I can't even begin to describe that agony. I won't even try. I loved her. I always will. Even when the distance of almost an entire country separated us I never forgot her, never gave up, never stopped hoping one day she would return to me.
    She did. eventually. Some wounds were to fresh for us to face (pete was her brother, they might as well have been twins for all their similarities), and i reminded her of the friendship we shared, and she reminded me purely of him, I couldn't even look at her.
    I won't go to her funeral on Friday. It would hurt to much. I don't want to have to say goodbye to another chapter of my life. I don't want to be subjected to the realisation that she isn't coming back. Excepting she is gone, to me, is like acepting I will forget her.  It is like excepting that time will pass and I will move on.

   I don't want to move on. I want to wrap my self in my memories of her and breathe them in. I want to fuse what i had of her life into mine and carry her with me always.
   Time was stolen from us. I can't help but feel like I should have known it was coming. I should have known she was in danger and in trouble. I should have known what was happening to her and I should have stopped it.
   I'm strong. I know I am. I've been through alot to make me who I am today. But the cracks are begining to appear. I don't think I can survive losing Cath as well. She is my last link to who i used to be. It always used to be the 5 of us, we swore it would be forever (i still have the scar from that oath) and Now I will be the last remaining one of us. Cath has about a year left. When the time comes and she departs I don't know If I will have the strenght or courage to carry on.
   As pathetic as it sounds I am tired of people leaving me, whether its the people I love, or the people that come in to my life for a few short weeks then give up being bothered. I still want those people back, the two or three who seem to have given up on wanting to be my friend. the ones who dont return my e-mails or messages who don't respond to texts. I still want them back because I have lost to many people. Why should I have to lose them to?
   And if any of you guys, through some twisted form of fate, end up reading this, please. Pick up the phone once in a while, reply to my messages.
   I miss you.

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
Current Music: Goo Goo Dolls

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Theres so much going on in my life right now. It's kinda overwhelming. I feel like I'm drowning. everything I do to try and make things better just makes it worse. How am I suposed to help my dad if he won't let me in. Yesterday was the first time my dad told me he loved me in almost five years. And I think that is only because he is waiting to find out if he is dying. HOw am I suposed to carry everyone elses burdens as well as my own. I feel so confused. everything is no longer in my control and I hate that. I just want to reach out and pull everything back to me. Make it all the way I want it.
   I can't do that though and It's killing me. ow do you cope when everything is falling down on you? How do you breathe when the life is slowly being choked out of you? I want someone to reach out and say "you are not alone." but no-one i know will ever understand what I'm going through. I know there are support groups and people to talk to for people with "my condition." but my pride won't let me go. I am better than needing help. I am stronger than that. Growing up the way I did taught me to never rely on anyone else. never depend on anyone else. People will only let you down. You can only trust youself. Because of this I never really let anyone but Ash and Pete close. Pete is dead and I'm leaving Ash. I find myself looking around and suddenly feeling very...... Alone.

Current Location: Bedroom
Current Mood: crushed crushed

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A new year a new start. That's the idea right? 19 hours in and I hate it already. Everyone I care about seems to be dying or leaveing the country. My cunt of an ex, has decided to publish Private e-mails on his myspace. E-mails I thought he had the decency to keep to himself. He has no idea how much he hurt me when we were together, and the scars I still carry. I know I shouldn't have said the things I did, but of all the vindictive things to do, he puts it on a public site. I promised I wouldn't even bother with him this year. Now I want to bother, now I want to Rip out his fucking throat.

I wish it was over. He is the biggest mistake of my life. His friends have been leaving comments that really hurt. What pisses me off the most is that they don't know my side. I know they are doing what friends are suposed to, by helping him, defending him, and justifying what he's done. but still.... It kinda pissed me off.

I Let the lying and the cheating and the stealing from me pass. I defended him when no-one else would. I can take his insults. I'm a big girl. I can take him putting up private things on the net, and if i know him, e-mailing them to his friends. What I wont take from him is him insulting my boyfriend. I'll take shit from almost anybody. But I won't allow fucking little cunts like him to insult someone I care about.

He is dead to me. He said I went to far, but I guess I didn't go far enough.

Right I've had my rant. Now is the time for new beginings and this year will be a happy one no matter what.

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Current Location: My bed
Current Mood: irritated irritated
Current Music: None Im watching a film

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I have spent most of my evening Talking to a girl a few years older than me on the other side of the world. I have been speaking to her on the request of a friend.
She is dying.
She is not scared. She is not fighting it. She is being so brave. I can't help but compare her to Pete. When he found out his treatment was no longer working he decided to take fate into his own hands. Two suicide attempts and a lot of tears later he decided he would let death take him when it wanted. Lyala on the other hand has accepted it with grace and dignity. She is 21 and she is ready to die.
    Pete wanted to die when he chose. He did not want his death dictated to him. I cant help but wonder how I would react. Talking to her brings tears to my eyes. She is so strong and so proud.
    It's just not fair.
It is my second Christmas with out Pete and i guess this has brought it all home again.
I miss him, and even though i have only known her a few months. I will miss her.
She has been given a year at most.
A year to say goodbye and to live to the fullest.  To her i wish all the love in the world

Current Mood: melancholy melancholy

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Once again I am sat at my laptop lacking inspiration for my latest story and I have once again descended into melancholy. The rain still pours, the wind still howls and I still feel......  Somehow lacking. I don't know what I'm lacking but I am lacking something. Maybe it's because John isn't with me, or maybe it's because I have a day to finish my project. Maybe just maybe it's because I miss him. Pete.
    I keep getting the urge to call him to see how his day has been, see whether he's missing me. It gets a little harder every time I forget he's gone. Most days I try to ignore the fact that my best friend, my brother and my first love, has left me. I try to keep my mind busy but 1 year  5 months and 2 days later (yes i count that kind of detail) it still hurts. The pain has dimmed, but to me there will always be a section of my heart reserved for him and only him. A little piece of me, that I hope where ever he is now, he carries with him always.
Rest in peace my love and be happy.

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: lonely lonely
Current Music: Damien Rice

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It's days like today, stormy and cold, when I am sitting snuggled in front of my little gas fire, that I feel I could be a mother. I will admit that I have always been the girl (or woman depending on how you look at me), that insisted passionately I would rather "stick pins in my eyes" than have children.
But on cold winter days like today, when the sun has set and the wind howls outside my victorian windows, I sit inside cuddled up and think. It is times like these that my mind often wonders towards the subject of children. I am currently alone sitting at my laptop, beside my fireplace, wearing the biggest jumper I can find and I feel content. In moments like this one i have this urge, no, this desire to eventually have children and to protect them no matter what. It is in moments like these I can picture myself ten years in the future sat typing at my laptop feeling content and having a little sleepy child slowly push open my door, teddy trailing behind them, little curled up hands rubbing their eyes. mumbling with a sleepy voice "mummy I can't sleep." I can see my self lifting my little boy onto my lap and holding him close as I whisper to him "it's ok you can stay up with me." I can see my self sitting there holding him on my lap as he falls asleep.

I would type more but I am now late for work (oops)

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
Current Music: None

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