Well It has been a little over a week since my best friend, and the love of my life, had her life support switched off.
If someone erads this and say how can someone so young think they've found love. let me tell you I don't think I found it. I know I found it.
She was breathtaking. beautiful can't describe her, words cannot do justice to the Goddess that was my Katie. I can't help but think of her in her last moments, unknowing what was going on around her. Peacful. I didn't try as hard as I could to see her before she died. I regret that with my heart and soul. I was a coward. I wanted to remember her as she was; My beautiful, strong, proud, funny, kind, passionate, loyal Katie.
Out of my four best friends in the planet, the four people I know i share a soul with, 3 of them are dead and one is terminally ill. It's on days like today that I miss them the most. Days when I know I would normally get a phonecall or a text from them wishing me luck or telling me I'll do fine. It's on days like today I can't help but cry. I don't want to. I don't like to. I guess I miss them. I'll always miss them. It's almost two years since Peter died and I'm waiting for the pain to diminish. I'm still waiting for the dull ache in my heart to fade to oblivion. It's been almost two months since Layala died and that wound is still raw, still fresh and bleeding, pulsing with an unmistakable agony. It has not yet been two weeks since Katie died and I can't even begin to describe that agony. I won't even try. I loved her. I always will. Even when the distance of almost an entire country separated us I never forgot her, never gave up, never stopped hoping one day she would return to me.
She did. eventually. Some wounds were to fresh for us to face (pete was her brother, they might as well have been twins for all their similarities), and i reminded her of the friendship we shared, and she reminded me purely of him, I couldn't even look at her.
I won't go to her funeral on Friday. It would hurt to much. I don't want to have to say goodbye to another chapter of my life. I don't want to be subjected to the realisation that she isn't coming back. Excepting she is gone, to me, is like acepting I will forget her. It is like excepting that time will pass and I will move on.
I don't want to move on. I want to wrap my self in my memories of her and breathe them in. I want to fuse what i had of her life into mine and carry her with me always.
Time was stolen from us. I can't help but feel like I should have known it was coming. I should have known she was in danger and in trouble. I should have known what was happening to her and I should have stopped it.
I'm strong. I know I am. I've been through alot to make me who I am today. But the cracks are begining to appear. I don't think I can survive losing Cath as well. She is my last link to who i used to be. It always used to be the 5 of us, we swore it would be forever (i still have the scar from that oath) and Now I will be the last remaining one of us. Cath has about a year left. When the time comes and she departs I don't know If I will have the strenght or courage to carry on.
As pathetic as it sounds I am tired of people leaving me, whether its the people I love, or the people that come in to my life for a few short weeks then give up being bothered. I still want those people back, the two or three who seem to have given up on wanting to be my friend. the ones who dont return my e-mails or messages who don't respond to texts. I still want them back because I have lost to many people. Why should I have to lose them to?
And if any of you guys, through some twisted form of fate, end up reading this, please. Pick up the phone once in a while, reply to my messages.
I miss you.
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Goo Goo Dolls